Remember how Donald Trump said he wanted to deter illegal immigrants? Well, uh, like most things he does, it isn’t really working out. NEWSWOMAN: The New York Times reports the detention of migrant children in the U.S. has skyrocketed to the highest levels ever. Almost 13,000 migrant kids are being housed at federally contracted shelters compared to 2,400 in May of last year. Goddamn, 13,000 kids? Trump has now imprisoned more kids than R. Kelly. And, I’m sorry, 13,000– this is a ridiculous number. Like, at a certain point, it doesn’t seem like you’re dealing with immigration. It just looks like you’re building a Temple of Doom. That’s what it feels like. And, by the way, like, why do they wrap them in foil? It’s like they can’t tell the difference between a Mexican kid and an actual burrito.
What is going on there? In other news, if you thought the art in your grandmother’s home was dated, wait until you see what scientists have just found. Scientists working in South Africa say they have discovered the world’s oldest human drawing. Researchers say the latest sketch, which was done in ochre crayon, looks a bit like a hashtag. You can see the nine highlighted red lines.
Scientists say the sketch is about 73,000 years old. (flatly): Wow. (laughter) I’m not gonna lie, man. There’s no way I could ever be a scientist, because if it was my job to sort rocks and art, that shit would have been in the rocks pile. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I didn’t have high expectations for the first drawing ever. But I’m still disappointed, because, let’s be honest, that thing is trash. Like, I bet even other cavemen were like, “Dude, I don’t even know what a drawing is, but that sucks, that sucks.” I’m sure that caveman’s mom thought it was a masterpiece though. He probably stuck it to the world’s oldest fridge. That’s where they found it.
All right, moving on. Uh, vaping. It is now the second most popular pastime for teenagers. But thanks to the FDA, the industry’s future might go up in smoke. The FDA said today that vaping by teenagers has reached epidemic levels. Anna Werner now on the government’s plans to crack down on e-cigarettes. WERNER: FDA Commissioner Scott Gottlieb is stepping up the pressure, telling five companies they have 60 days to submit plans to keep e-cigarettes out of teens’ hands or face the possibility of the FDA pulling flavored products, which experts say appeal to teens off the market.
Okay. This seems like a simple issue to solve. Teens love vaping because they like the flavors. So if you want to get the kids to stop vaping, just stop with the kid-friendly flavors. Yeah. Strawberry, bubble gum? No. You got to use flavors only old people like. Yeah. Stuff like kale or… whole branzino, cinnamon and lox bagel. Those are the flavors. Oh, and-and, by the way, I don’t know if you noticed this, but I love how the news sends their reporter into a hurricane. But then once he gets there, like, “Hey, uh, can you do this vape story, please?” Like, sometimes I think hurricane stories are just how you get hazed when you join the news.
Because he’s just doing the regular stories with a hurricane backdrop. Like, 20 minutes later, it was, like, gale-force winds and he’s doing a cooking segment. “Lightly grease the pan in the way you want it to taste!” .